This Is the Way? (Until It’s Not): Fusion vs. Defusion
- Bobby Jakucs, Psy.D.
- Aug 25
- 16 min read
Updated: 2 days ago
"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your estimate of it - and this you have the power to revoke at any moment" (Marcus Aurelius)
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The Mandalorian and the Power of a Code
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...there was a group of elite bounty hunters who lived and died by their code. A code rooted in a commitment to each other, and their way of life. These are the Mandalorians and “this is the way.”
This powerful phrase serves as a greeting and salute but so much more. Their code provides a structure, and a source of meaning in a chaotic universe. Its rules organize the life of a Mandalorian and provides identity, structure and belonging. And its strictures, such as not taking off one’s helmet, protecting foundling, and loyalty to the clan above all else, are held as sacrosanct.
For the protagonist of the series, Din Djarin (aka the Mandalorian), the way is the compass in his life. It gives him a clear identity, a means to understand life in a messy universe. However, as the story unfolds suddenly that code becomes a restriction rather than a guide. Then along comes Grogu, the alien child. A little tug on his heart strings - suddenly everything changes. Rather than being a path forward and a source of meaning, the rule that provided so much meaning to Djarin, becomes a prison.
So often rigid rules are like that. What once was a useful tool to navigate uncertainty becomes a stumbling block to living more fully. Rather than life-affirming, they squeeze the very meaning out of our existence. And so very often, we don’t even realize we are blindly following them. So much so, that they often lead us to fight the wrong battles and die on the wrong hills.
Because the majority of these rules are not strictures of living given to us by authority – but the ones we ourselves generate. These are the thoughts, beliefs, narratives and rules that our mind generates in order to provide us with a path in uncertainty. They can be helpful when applied flexibly.
But often, like the Mandalorian Way they become universals, and rather than providing meaning in life they restrict us from pursuing a path of meaning. In effect, “this is the way” becomes “this is the ONLY way.” They become the inverse of Marcus Aurelius concept articulated in The Meditations that "the obstacle becomes the way"; where challenges create the building block to meaning. Instead, “the way” - our adherence to rigid self-rules - becomes the very obstacle to a fulfilling, loving and meaningful life.
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) we call the over-identification with these mental events as fusion. We become one with our thoughts and beliefs and so caught up with them that we can take a step back and see what it is. Or if they serve the purpose that we actual intend them to have – to help us live and live more fully.
What Is Fusion (and Why It’s Sneaky)?
The word fusion is borrowed from Medieval Latin to describe the “process of pouring, casting of metal.” In modern English it essentially means a union of two or more things. In ACT it is where we over identify and become one with our thoughts and rules. So much so, that they dictate our behavior.
You might be wondering what these fused thoughts and rules look like in everyday life. To be honest, they can be anything. Anything that becomes “the ONLY way” of doing things, behaving, acting. They often are automatic and put us on auto pilot – which is no way to live life.
A metaphor can be helpful here. Imagine that you have found the simplest and easiest way to get from your home to work. Your route takes you out your garage, down your street for several bocks, you turn left and go over a large bridge. Turn right again after the bridge go a few more blocks and you're there. Easy day! You drive this road every day of your working career. It’s the way you always take. Now let’s say one day an earthquake hits and the bridge collapses.
If you were fused to your route (“This is the only way to get to work”) one of two things would happen. You would either rev your engine and like Thelma and Louis try and make that jump. Or, you would just sit there idling, stuck. That’s fusion – there is only one way to go and we either follow it blindly or when we are unable to sit in the road of life rather than drive forward.
In ACT there are typically six broad categories of fusion (although keep in mind any thought/belief/rule can be a source of fusion).
Fusion with the past:
“Things were so much better back when I was/had/were able to....”
“If only I/he/she/they hadn’t done.....”
“My failure/trauma/mistake is too painful to bear”
“I wish I had never...”
“If only I was able to change...”
Fusion with the future:
“I know he/she/they will reject me”
“I will never get what I want/desire/hope for”
“I’ll never be able to handle/solve/cope with/get through”
Any sort of worrying, catastropizng or predictions about the future
“I’ll only be happy when I.....”
“I’ll only be good enough/worthy enough/ loveable when....”
Identity/self-concept rules:
“I must always be the strong one”
“If I don’t do.....then I’m not a real....”
“I won’t ever be able too...”
“I’m not the kind of person who”
“My job/role/career/position IS who I am”
“I am an insomniac/drunk/ ‘crazy-person’”
“I’m always right”
“I’m better than everyone”
“I never have anything good to say”
“I always embarrass myself”
Reasons:
“I’m not tall enough/smart enough/good enough(you name it)...”
“I’m to old/young/anxious/depressed/tired (you name it) to do....”
“X (bad outcome like rejection, failure or being made fun of) might happen if I Y (engage in something meaningful)
“Its to challenging/hard/difficult/scary”
“X person/group says I shouldn’t/can’t...”
Rules:
“I can’t be a good parent unless/until.....
“If I make a mistake I’m a failure”
“If I don’t get my eight hours I won’t be able to function”
“I need to have X in order to do Y”
Judgements:
“I hate the way I look”
“I can’t stand being around X (person, group)”
“I can’t sand feeling this way”
“Being anxious/sad/lonely/afraid is intolerable”
You’ll notice there is a lot of overlap here. Even if they don't neatly fit in the "rule" category above many of these effectively become rules that dominate our behavior and rule our lives. You’ll also notice that this is not an exhaustive list - there are as many types of fusion in each category as there are people on the planet. One of the most insidious and life-impairing facets of fusion is that it is sneaky. Often, we go through life fused to our beliefs like prisoners holding on to prison bars and looking out. Only after we learn to stop and take a look do we realize not only the we are the jailer, but that its really just a gate in the field! We can move around it if we so choose.
Often times fusion feels safe. Those prison bars give us a sense of certainty. We don’t have to make a decision or change if “the way” has already been spelled out. But the cost is high. We become inflexible, unchangeable and reactive rather than responsive. Moreover, the world becomes smaller – opportunities for connection, growth and meaning become drowned out in a series of “cant’s.”
If any of these sound familiar you’re not alone. Welcome to being human. Just as human as I am in fact.
Surfing and Fusion
I recently had to contend with some cognitive fusion I didn’t realize was there. I’ve been surfing for 25 years and consider it a major part of my life. A few months ago I had an injury that left me out of the water for a couple of months. I started moping around – as one does - when you can’t do something that gives you joy.
But it went even deeper. When I became a working professional and father, I treated my weekend surf routine as something sacred. I had this belief that “To be a surfer, I must surf every weekend.” Suddenly I felt not just like I wasn’t engaging in something I loved but literally a fish out of water.
Fortunately, I took a step back and realized this was a rule I had made for myself. Nobody was checking whether or not I was surfing any weekend, no one had dictated a formal court ruling (that I know of anyway) saying a surfer must be in the water at least once a week. In other words, being out of the water was not the problem – the rule I had created for myself was the problem.
This was simply my mind holding to tightly to a part of my identity and a rule I had developed to keep it. I was still a surfer, just one who happened to be out of the water to recover. My identity went from being “not a surfer anymore” to a “surfer healing from an injury.”
Furthermore, when I let go of the struggle to preserve the rule I noticed I had more time and energy. Since I was simply waiting now to get back in the water, rather than angry that I was no longer a surfer, I could focus my energy elsewhere. Saturdays now became time to spend with family, enjoy my cup of coffee rather than rushing out at first light, and sit and write more. It was a powerful reminder for me that when we learn to make space from our automatic rules, we can regain our freedom to respond from our deepest values. We can move off the road of bitterness and head back on the road to meaning.
The Power of Defusion: Making Space and Choosing Flexibility
When you get down to it your mind (and mine) is talking constantly. Our experience is often like hearing a baseball game. Growing up, as a Dodgers fan I used to love to listen to Vin Scully. His incredible voice was almost hypnotic while the anecdotes he shared were timely and made the game come alive. I’ve heard other commentators who are more “flash and bang” commenting on every play as if it were game the ninth inning of seven of the world series with bases loaded. Everything is urgent. Everything is a critical play.
Most of the time, our brains are less like Vin Scully and more like the other guys. Everything is urgent: “you have to do this now!”. Every play will be reviewed in excruciating detail “you should have done this instead!” And every rule will be yelled out like a command – “If you make a mistake you fail!”
With fusion our minds treat our thoughts as though they are absolute truths or marching orders. However, we can learn to take a step back and recognize these thoughts for what they are – our mind telling us something. Ultimately we can choose whether or not to follow it.
This powerful tool is called defusion. Whereas fusion is two things being melded and united (thoughts and the self), defusion is the process by which two things become separated. For us human beings, it is a powerful tool for getting unstuck and pursuing a life of meaningful living rather than one dictated by rigid rules of behavior. We can learn to tune out “the other guys” and listen more to Vin.
Just as there are numerous examples of fusion there are numerous techniques and strategies to defuse from our thoughts. The goal of all of these techniques is to help separate the thoughts into something separate. Here are a few useful ones:
Name the rule: “Oh here’s that ‘perfect parent’ rule again!’
‘Thank’ your mind: your mind is doing the best it can. ‘Thanking’ it can help give space and distance.
Notice your thoughts: imagine your thoughts as drifting clouds, leaves on a stream, cars on a freeway, etc. Watch as they go past.
Humorous voices: As odd as it may sound, say your rule in a silly voice (Darth Vader, Goofy, Batman, etc.)
Repetition: from a distressing thought identify a particular word or short phrase. Repeat it over and over out loud.
Take a step back and observe your mind: Imagine being a fly on the wall or a camera following your minds thoughts around.
(If you want. to dive deeper into practical exercises for stepping back from thoughts, Russ Harris's book The Happiness Trap is a very approachable guide)
These techniques are not designed to erase thoughts. However, what they do is allow us the important space needed to then choose how to respond – to engage with them or not. Because ultimately when we step back from a rule we can ask “does following this rule serve my deeper values right now?”
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Rules for Life vs Living for Rules: Jesus and the Pharisees
Throughout the Gospel’s Jesus repeatedly confronted the Pharisees over the rigid rules they held others too. These rules were intended for a good purpose – to point towards God. However, rather than becoming a way of building relationship they became hardened into burdens.
One of the most poignant examples of this is the story of the man with the withered hand. It appears in three of the four gospels (Matt 12:9-14, Mark 3:1-6, Luke 6:6-11). In each, Jesus goes into a synagogue on the Sabbath and sees the crippled man. The Pharisees sit back and watch, waiting to see if Jesus will cure him on the Sabbath as all work is strictly forbidden.
In Luke’s Gospel he expressly challenges this rule, and points to the fusion, the rigidity, that places the rule above the rules purpose: “Then Jesus said, ‘I ask you is it lawful to do good or to do harm on the Sabbath, to save life or destroy it?’” (Luke 6: 9). He ultimately heals the man because it served the higher law, God’s law.
In Mark’s account it says “He was grieved at the hardness of their hearts” (Mark 3:5). That is fusion – the Pharisees were so hardened into their finite rule that they could not see the infinite value of a suffering human being. And the duty to help. The rule, rather than being a means of serving God, became an idol that drew them further away.
And if we are honest with ourselves, there are many rules we follow that become idols. Many of them may come from a good place – to protect us from getting hurt again. They often come from places of guilt (“I don’t want to hurt others again”) or wounds (“I don’t want to be hurt again”) or perfectionism (“I want to be better”).
But we so often, like the Pharisees we lose the purpose behind the rules. What once protected us becomes the very shackles that bind us from living and loving more fully. Because as the Catechism of the Catholic Church states:
"The Law. of the Gospel 'fulfills', refines, surpasses, and leads the Old Law to its perfection: in the Beatitudes the New Law fulfills the divine promises by elevating and orienting them toward the 'kingdom of heaven.' It is addressed to those open to accepting this new hope with faith - the poor, the humble, the afflicted, the pure of heart, those persecuted on account of Christ - and so marks our the surprising ways of the Kingdom." (CCC 1967)
Do our own self-imposed rules move us toward that relationship? Many times, they do not as they come from a place of pain or a desire to control or eliminate future pain. Defusion allows us to take a step back and see the context. Ultimately in letting go of our desire for control, it allows us to make space for God’s Grace in our lives. In, the messiness of our daily living it transforms, “This is the way” into “May this be His way.”
Choosing a New "Way"
Over the course of the series, The Mandalorian’s story leads him to questioning the rule, adapting it, and ultimately finding a new way. He does not throw the rule out, but rather, he adapts it for the context of his situation. Rather than completely throwing out the rule, he moves beyond it, and connects to the greater value and purpose the Mandalorian creed was meant to serve – goodness in a galaxy so often void of it.
In ACT this process is called psychological flexibility. Being able to recognize the purpose of a rule (what its function is) and the context (whether or not it should apply in this situation). All in the service of living a more meaningful, vital and values-based life. Research consistently demonstrates that psychological flexibility is a key to resilience, to bouncing back after set backs and being better able to weather life’s storms.
Why? Simply because rules are like an engine. When they function properly and are ordered towards values they help us get where we want to go. But throw in a few grains of sand (whether an awkward social situation, a new job or a sweet alien child) and suddenly they break down and keep us stuck. Research supports that psychological inflexibility – when the grains of sand get in the engine – is linked to a whole host of psychological conditions including anxiety and depression as well as executive functioning (Kashdan, 2010)
Research consistently supports the acknowledgement and letting go of rigid rules – and subsequent psychological flexibility as critical to resilience. Even in the midst of uncertainty and difficulties.
The COVID-19 pandemic was a time if immense change, difficulty and uncertainty. A study conducted during the height of it by Smith, Twohy & Smith (2020) examined the impact of psychological flexibility on well-being. They found that while social isolation predicated negative psychological distress – no surprise – those individuals who had a higher degree of psychological flexibility were less impacted by the isolation and that psychological flexibility enhanced the benefits of the connectedness individuals did have during that time. In other words, the more individuals could adapt and let go of whatever rigid rules they held, the more they could courageously face the uncertainty of life in a positive way.
Because rules in and of themselves do not and cannot give life. They can only point towards something greater. When they become that something greater, they are no longer life giving but life destroying. That’s perhaps is why Our Lord called the teacher’s of the law “white-washed tombs which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead” (Matt 23:27).
Logotherapy affirms this idea as well. Viktor Frankl once wrote, “Man is not fully conditioned and determined but rather determines himself whether he gives in to conditions or stands up to them. Man is capable of resisting and braving even the worst conditions.” (The Doctor and The Soul). Defusion allows us to create space from those conditioned responses to circumstances. It is within that space where we are find the freedom to choose our response. To stand up with values and to lean in towards meaning rather than give in to our own mental conditioning.
And Logotherapy also affirms that this freedom can be done in any circumstance. Where fusion keeps us stuck in our bad circumstances – our past, our mistakes, our traumas, our regrets – defusion is about making space so that we can look upon our situation with clear vision. Not through the dark tinted googles of our pain, but from the steel eyed view of our deepest values.
The process of forging a new path that transcends our own limiting rules can be terrifying. Because while those rules so often serve as prison bars, there is something comforting about the way they feel. It takes courage to let go. And a leap of faith to step beyond them.
But for to live a vital, meaningful life, we often need to find a new way. As C.S. Lewis writes in Mere Christianity, “If you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road.” Those rules often lead us not towards the life God wants for us, but the one our wounds, our pain and our weakness dictates. Progress then is letting go of them, and moving beyond them. And ultimately, making space for Him.
Here are some steps we can take:
Notice your rules. When you face something that is valuable, meaningful or deeply important notice what your mind tells you. Oftentimes in these situations we are faced with discomfort. And this is so often where those rules come out. So step back, and notice them.
Ask yourself – does this rule move me toward a meaningful life? Notice whether these rules move your forward - and perhaps they once did - but what about in this particular situation? Are they still moving you towards meaning? Or pushing you further away from it?
Loosen your grip (even slightly). Imagine the rule as those prison bars. There may be fear in letting go. But what is the cost of not? Imagine loosening your grip. Can you make space for the discomfort and let go, even slightly? Can you make space for God in between? And allow Him to show you the way ahead?
At the end of the day, the question really is – “This is the way? Maybe. But if it stops me from loving more deeply, growing more fully, and valuing the life God has given me — then it’s time for a new way.”
Closing Reflection
Rules can be incredibly helpful. And yes, stopping at stop signs genuinely is a good thing! More than that, just as for Din Djardin, they can provide us with an understanding and a compass. But oftentimes, our minds apply them rigidly. And what once provided order out of chaos and a way forward, become the very chains that bind us. ACT and Logotherapy both provide unique tools for us to better able notice the chains, and let them go.
Being able to step back and notice our rules is a powerful first step. Perhaps they are truly part of “the way.” But perhaps, in the circumstances and situations we now find ourselves in, they no longer apply. Like driving forward while only looking at the rear-view mirror, they are solutions to our past problems, not the way forward.
But, as Kierkegaard said, life cannot be lived looking backward. Most of the time we cannot solve the problems of yesterday. In letting go of our rules, we can more readily face the circumstances we find ourselves today. We can be more present to our loved ones, more productive in our work and more readily able to face the real challenges of the day. We can live more fully. Because as Our Lord said, “A thief comes only to steal and slaughter and destroy; I came so that they might have life and have it more abundantly.” (John 10:10)
Rigid self-rules are that destroyer of joy. They are the thief that steals our meaning from the precious moments of our lives – the opportunities to grow, connect and love. While we so often think of them as “this is the way for me” in reality what these rules so often say is “this is MY way for me.”
Rather, Our Lord invites us to a life of freedom. That is what the Christian life is truly about. Freedom to be more fully alive, more fully as God intended us to be. Where the Mandalorian code shows us how rules can be suffering Chesterton reminds us that the Gospel does the opposite, it provides an order that gives from for joy and love to flourish:
"The More I considered Christianity, the more I found that while it had established a rule and order, the chief aim of that order was to give room for good things to run wild" (Orthodoxy)
And that freedom? It is the freedom to choose goodness and love, in in the midst of difficulties. Because, we will always face, trials, tribulations and sufferings. But, as Venerable Fulton Sheen so often said, “there can be no Easter Sunday without Good Friday. There can be no Crown without the Cross.” Christ invites us to face those painful moments with courage, trust and surrender. To lean not on our own rules but on Him.
So when the storms of life come – and they will – may we have the courage to pray: “Lord, let me live YOUR way for me”
