Why Can’t I Sleep Even When I’m Tired? (What Science, Psychology, and Faith Reveal)
- Bobby Jakucs, Psy.D.
- Aug 2
- 18 min read
Updated: Sep 30
"Sleep is like a cat: it only comes to you if you ignore it"
- Gillian Flynn
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You’re exhausted. You’ve had a long day at work and the children have been off the walls. You are so ready for sleep that you are “bobbing for apples” while watching TV on the couch. Maybe you even doze off a little.
You brush your teeth, crawl into bed and as soon as your head hits the pillow your mind starts racing like a Formula One car.
We’ve all experienced this phenomena at some point in life. Of being physically tired but mentally wired. Sometimes its only for a night or two. For others it’s a season of life during high stress or a heavy workload. And for some, it is a chronic painful experience, night after night.
Oftentimes, I’ve found in my clinical work patients come to me desperate for sleep. They have suffered tremendously due to chronic sleeplessness. And each night becomes an agonizing and dreaded experience. Fortunately, the research and my clinical experience shows that there is hope. And the solution is usually 100% natural and far simpler than we think.
What we are going to do here is look at what happens when we sleep: why we sleep and why we don’t. Specifically we are going to explore:
The science and mechanics of how we sleep
What gets in the way of good sleep
How to restore peaceful nights using psychological principles and behavioral change
When they do happen, how we can use sleepless nights as an opportunity to reconnect to the sacred
If you've ever wondered how to fall asleep naturally - but your brain seems to have other plans - this post is for you.
How Sleep Works: Understanding, Sleep Drive, Circadian Rhythm and Arousal
Sleep for the ancients was often viewed as something mysterious. As Hubert Dreyfus and Sean Dorrance Kelly articulate in All Things Shining, it was a place where the gods visited men in dreams. It was viewed with reverence - a gift from the gods not a biological achievement. In Homer’s Odyssey the process is described as “sleep the soft-armed rose up, and shrouded his eyes in slumber, easing the rest of men.” Sleep wasn’t something that the ancients summoned, or a restless night time ritual they had to enact, but rather something that was received. In our modern control-obsessed age this ancient view is a far healthier outlook. It reminds us rest is grace, not performance.
So too does the Bible. Sleep here is viewed more specifically as a gift from God. It is a place of angelic messengers (think of Joseph and the Three Kings being visited in dreams) as well as a time where the tired soul is comforted. In Jeremiah (31:25-26) it is written, “I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish.’ At this I awoke and looked, and my sleep was pleasant to me.” Here we are reminded that God not only gives physical sleep, He also gives us a deeper kind of rest that includes healing and restoration.
In our modern age we often find this hard to envision. However, it’s a theme we are ultimately going to examine more closely going forward. For now, let’s explore the physiological mechanics of sleep. Modern sleep science has identified three systems that are interdependent. Meaning they each work together and are essential for sleep.
1. Sleep Drive (Adenosine buildup). Our need for sleep is like any other physiological drive (hunger, thirst, etc.). The longer we go without it, the higher our need for sleep builds. If you go all day without eating, come dinner time you are going to be absolutely famished. Sleep works on the same principle. The longer we go without it, the more the pressure to sleep builds.
2. Circadian Rhythm. Deep within our brains, in some of the most primitive structures, there is an internal clock that regulates or wake/sleep cycle. We know it is very primitive because many primitive organisms also have a similar system. This internal regulator runs on a roughly 24-hour clock (it varies slightly from person to person). And it is reset every morning by bright light. Have you ever noticed yourself getting drowsy, or as though time slows down a bit, in the late afternoon? That is because our circadian clocks have a natural dip during that time. We in the English speaking world power through this, but in many Latin American and Mediterranean countries they compensate for it by taking a siesta.
3. Arousal System. If the first two systems functioned independently we would go to sleep regularly and stay asleep without interruptions. Sounds wonderful right? But think back to cave-man times. Our ancestors needed a way to wake up if a threat suddenly appeared. We still need that today, if a burglar comes into the house or some other emergency needs our attention. The arousal system essentially acts as a sentinel and alarm system, that can shock us alert and awake, effectively overriding the other two systems.
These three systems work together to promote sleep. When we go long enough without sleep (sleep drive is high), and it's late enough in the day (circadian rhythm is at its peak) and no threats are present (arousal system is down) we sleep. When we don’t sleep it is often due multiple factors across any or all of these domains. If these problems go on long enough we can develop chronic insomnia.
Why You Can’t Sleep: Common Mistakes That Keep You Awake
Remember, sleep is a natural phenomenon. The ancients also understood this well. Like so many problems we have today, we moderns tend to over think it with “if I only do this series of steps I’ll sleep.” Or have rigid rules we follow like “I need X or I won’t sleep.”
Broadly speaking it is really two things that keep us awake 1. Things we do and habits we develop to cope with not sleeping and 2. Rules we have and thoughts we have that get in the way of rest. Both these problems, in their own way, kick that arousal system on - like a tiger rattling in the bushes for our caveman ancestors. Alternatively, they can also impact sleep drive and circadian rhythm. And these problems can compound to create a vicious cycle.
Here are some of the most common problems:
Lying in bed awake. We often call this “conditioned insomnia.” I know, no one would ever consciously train themselves to have insomnia. But that’s exactly what we do when we lie awake in bed at night, over many nights, tossing and turning, worrying, agonizing, really ANYTHING, other than sleeping. We train our minds not, “my bed is the place where I drift off to sleep” but rather “my bed is where I have some of the most agonizing moments of my day.” In other words, we unintentionally train that arousal system to see the bed as a threat. I don’t know about you but there is no way I could sleep thinking my bed was going to hurt me!
Oversleeping/napping. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. I eat very sparingly all day, so I can prepare myself for the yearly feast ahead. Imagine if instead a few hours before Thanksgiving dinner I went to In and Out and had a burger. I certainly wouldn’t eat as much at dinner and I doubt you would either. Well, that’s exactly what we do to ourselves when we try to “sleep in” on the weekends or nap during the day. That sleep drive goes way down. It may feel good in the moment, but we are essentially taking out a loan on the quality of our sleep that night or the following.
Caffeine and alcohol. Many people use both of these substances (yes they are in fact substances because they alter brain chemistry) to cope with not sleeping. Caffeine is known to keep people awake, which is the primary reason people consume it. However, if consumed in large quantities or late enough in the day it remains in our system and even if we don’t feel its effects (we get a post-coffee crash) its still alters neurotransmitters in our brain. In fact, it takes roughly six hours for the average person to metabolize half the caffeine they consume. So if you have an espresso to pep you when you hit the doldrums at 4PM, that means by 10 PM half of it is still in your system, preventing sleep.
Alcohol similarly fragments sleep. That is because as it is metabolized, it can wreak havoc on neurotransmitters and body chemistry. While people who drink heavily often say they “pass out” this is more akin to anesthesia rather than sleep. It deeply fragments our restorative (REM) sleep especially.
Screen use in bed. Similar to lying in bed awake when we are doing anything screen related in bed, especially using a phone, tablet or computer, we “train” (in psychological terms condition) our brain to be alert and attentive. Some people are also very sensitive to the blue light from many of these devices which can also greatly impact sleep.
Bed = work zone. I’ve had patients who for various reasons answer emails, phone calls, write reports or use their bed as a prone desk. This effectively “trains” the brain to associate the bed not with “this is the place where I sleep” to “this is the place where I have to be on.” So when we do try to sleep, after using the bed as an office all day, the mind has a lot of difficulty shifting gears to something other than work (and if not work than various other tasks – the mind remains in “work” mode).
Lack of exercise/daylight. Our bodies were designed to move and to be outside. When we don’t get either we don’t adequately dispel energy, which keeps that arousal system high, and we don’t get regular input for our circadian rhythms. Most modern occupations are both movement restrictive and outdoors restrictive.
Nighttime stimulation. Many people try to unwind at night by watching TV, playing video games, squeezing a workout in, etc. All of these can stimulate both the mind and body, increasing arousal and overriding other signals. Yes, even passively watching TV. Why? Because screens in and of themselves can be activating (see #4 above). But also passively or mindlessly doing something often causes a back log of thoughts and feelings. Especially when we use activities like this as an “escape.” When we stop doing the activity, and our environment quiets down, suddenly all those thoughts and feelings we tried to push away come back. Often with vengeance.
The key takeaway is that all of the above common mistakes unintentionally engage the arousal system and override the other two systems. It repurposes our good and necessary survival system into becoming a problem. Fortunately, we humans are remarkable. What we have learned we can unlearn. Or rather, we can learn to view our bed as a place of comfort again, and not a nightly battleground.
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CBT-I for Insomnia: How Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Helps You Sleep
Far and away, the most effective treatment for insomnia is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for
Insomnia (CBT-I). A 2022 meta-analysis in Sleep Medicine Review looked at 24 studies that included 1977 participants. The analysis identified significant improvement in quality of life in the vast majority patients. CBT-I is recognized as the “first line” treatment for insomnia by the American College of Physicians. Yes, even over sleep medications.
CBT-I is so effective because it recognizes and realigns the tripartite sleep system we discussed above. The best part, it tends to do so very quickly. I have seen this first hand with patients who have suffered from chronic insomnia for decades and in 6-8 weeks sleep significantly better. While it is a CBT treatment it is largely focused on behaviors - what we do that prevents us from sleeping. If needed focuses on thinking.
Sometimes, making a few simple changes, and sticking to a determined sleep plan, is enough. It does involve regularly tracking your sleep using a sleep diary in order to gather data that is unique to you and to track the implementation and effectiveness of changes.
There are four primary steps that are not necessarily stepwise:
Unwinding and relaxation training. There are various ways of doing this but an essential feature of the human condition is no matter how hard we try we can’t simply switch our busy minds “off.” We need a set period of time to unwind after a busy day in ways that assist to quiet the mind (not numb them out like TV, doomscrolling or alcohol) and set the stage for restful sleep. This can be any non-stimulating activity – reading, light cleaning, journaling, prayer, an easy walk, meal prepping, breathwork and formal relaxation exercises, etc. And typically having a period of 1-2 hours of “quiet time” to engage in the activities.
Stimulus control. Remember all of those common problems above? Many of them stem from that association a person unintentionally makes between their bed and not sleeping (e.g. “the bed is where I work”, “the bed is where I toss and turn”, “the bed is where I agonize over not sleeping). So, to correct this we need to do two things.
Break the association: the bed is solely for sleep and intimate relations. Meaning anything else from tossing and turning, to worrying, and certainly work or checking the phone, is done outside of the bed. Similarly, if one finds themselves awake after about 20-minutes (roughly, no need to watch the clock) get out of bed and engage in a non-stimulating activity for another 20-30 minutes then try again.
Re-learn the bed is for sleep: This happens naturally once someone breaks the association. Think of it like this, do you have a favorite meal at a favorite restaurant? Think about it for a second. Imagine the smells and the flavors. Maybe the wonderful atmosphere. Is a part of you really craving that meal right now? Maybe even salivating a bit? You’ve learned to associate that meal and that restaurant (naturally and over time) with pleasant experiences. It’s the same principle.
Sleep restriction. Utilizing those sleep diaries, a therapist assists a patient in building up that sleep drive to a sufficient level that sleep will occur. What this looks like in practice is setting a “sleep window” in which someone is allowed to sleep. Usually, people with insomnia spend far more time in bed than they do sleeping. We call this a low sleep efficiency. So a therapist will work with a patient to improve their sleep efficiency. First, improving the quality then improving the quantity. Its like making pizza dough – people with insomnia have lots of holes in the dough (time awake). Sleep restriction works to reconsolidate the dough and then gradually spread it out so there aren’t any holes. While this part can be challenging, because sleep drive is an innate process, improvements often come quickly.
Cognitive restructuring. Oftentimes though not always there are many “rules” or thoughts we have about not sleeping. These include “if I don’t get my eight hours I’ll be a zombie tomorrow”, “I’ll never be able to sleep”, “I hate this”. All of these thoughts can be fuel for the fire of that hyperarousal. Working on examining these thoughts and questioning their validity can be helpful. Will the world end really if you don’t sleep tonight? You’ve probably been doing it for years, and while painful another night is doable. Examining these thought patterns and creating more realistic alternatives can reduce that pressure to sleep and promote sleep coming naturally.
If you are interested in finding a qualified therapist to work specifically on this technique check out this directory to find providers across the world. Please note, this is not the only place to find providers trained in CBT-I: many others are trained in this modality that are not listed here.
Alternatively, there are several high quality, self-paced workbooks that incorporate CBT-I principles. While not a substitute for professional treatment they can be a helpful tool as you begin exploring CBT-I on your own.
- Quiet Your Mind and Get to Sleep by Coleen E. Carney, Ph.D. and Rachel Manber, Ph.D.
- End the Insomnia Struggle by Collen Ehrnstrom, Ph.D. and Alisha L. Brosse, Ph.D.
- The Insomnia Workbook by Stephanie Silberman, Ph.D.
ACT for Insomnia: Why Letting Go Helps You Sleep Better
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) provides us another really helpful lens to examine sleep difficulties and insomnia. There’s a growing body of evidence that ACT-based approaches to sleeplessness are as effective as CBT (Shin et al, 2023). At its heart, emphasizes that whatever our mental and emotional space we can learn to make space for them and live in a way that is based on our values, not our own negative, fearful or anxious thoughts.
In ACT its not so much the content of our thoughts (e.g. “If I don’t sleep I’ll be a zombie tomorrow”) as the function those thoughts serve (keeping us awake and not sleeping) that matters. Learning how to let go of these thoughts and let them be a passenger on the bus rather than in the driver’s seat is incredibly helpful.
Because on some level, many people who suffer from chronic sleeplessness become fused to or hooked as psychologist Russ Harris calls it, to their thoughts. It becomes the focus of their identity. Every waking moment becomes thoughts about how tired they are, how much they wish they could sleep, etc. All the while, their loved ones, their work and their life are put in the back seat. The sleeplessness becomes the driver.
Sleeplessness is one of the clearest examples of the failure of the control. The more we try to force sleep, the more it eludes us. We attempted to control our racing thoughts, our anxiety rising anxiety, our restlessness. Yet, in doing so, we often feed the very arousal that keeps us awake. There’s a paradox here: sleep is not something we achieve by effort. It is something we allow. The ancients were right: sleep is a gift. Like peace, like grace, it comes not through striving but when we stop striving. The more we treat it like a gift to receive, a grace to be beautifully accepted, and less a battle to be fought or something to
There’s a great ACT metaphor that is useful here. Imagine if you are stuck in quicksand. The more you struggle, the deeper and deeper you sink. The way out? To stop the struggle. To let go.
In ACT this struggle is called the control agenda our instinctive and misguided drive to eliminate discomfort at all costs. But the truth is like love, like peace – like so many things – sleep cannot be commanded. It can only be welcomed. The invitation is not to control the night but to make space for it. To befriend it. Even to sanctify it.
This is not just good psychology - it's part of a Catholic approach to insomnia that welcomes both presence and surrender.
Faith and Sleeplessness: Finding Peace with God at Night
In the Christian life, the night holds a special place. When viewed from the life of Grace it is a time when we surrender our will, our control and our very consciousness to God. It is a little death, not the final one but it is a surrender no less. That is why, in the liturgy of the hours, the official prayer of the Catholic Church, we say, “May the all-powerful God grant us a restful night and a peaceful death.” Perhaps part of the reason we live in such a sleepless age is because we are so uncomfortable with this concept of surrender.
However, we can relearn to sanctify it. We can relearn how to surrender. As the Psalmist says, “on my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night.” Our restless nights and sleepless moments can be turned to times of deep contemplation. When the business of the day has subsided and we can spend time in quiet reflection with God. Fortunately, like in so many aspects of life, the Saints offer a roadmap.
St. Therese of Lisieux experienced severe insomnia during her illness and final months, and she often wrote about the interior darkness she faced -physically, emotionally and spiritually. In one of her most vulnerable moments, she described lying awake at night and being tormented by doubt and despair. And yet, she chose to respond with love and trust as she writes “Even when I do not feel anything, when I am incapable of praying or practicing virtue, I still want to remain close to You, and offer You a heart full of love” (The Story of a Soul). Both moments of spiritual darkness and sleepless nights are not meaningless. They can become gifts offered, a small hidden martyrdom of love.
Similarly, St. John of the Cross, in his spiritual masterpiece Dark Night of the Soul speaks deeply to those lying awake in the literal night. Feeling abandoned or alone. However, he explains that the darkness, the doubts are not absence but presence concealed. He writes, “In the dark night of the soul, bright flows the river of God.” Perhaps it is in those restless moments where God is actively seeking us.
Our minds are often so busy during the day whether intentionally with tasks or unintentionally through our own control strategies to avoid discomfort (doomscrolling, mindless TV) that perhaps that is His only time to reach us. That rest our bodies and mind so deeply crave is also craved by our very souls. After all, as Saint Augustine said, “Our hearts are restless until they rest in thee, Oh Lord.” (Confessions)
So what can we do to shift the night from a battle ground to a sacred space? We can pray. Which is really conversation. Conversation with the Creator of our very beings. We can sit with sacred Scripture (in restless moments I personally love the Sermon on the Mount). We can pray the Rosary. We can even incorporate breath Prayer, for example breathing in and saying “Lord Jesus, Son of God” and breathing out “have mercy on me a sinner.” Or simply breathing while saying “Jesus, I trust in you.” Like the Saints above, we can learn to let go of the struggle and instead offer our time to God. After all, Saints were sinners like us. They just kept trying. So can we. You're not alone, for Catholics struggling with sleep (or anyone really), the night can become a sacred invitation.
11 Evidence Based Sleep Tips (That Actually Work)
While no routine can guarantee sleep (remember sleep is something we allow, not force), these simple behavioral strategies can help create the best environment, biologically, psychologically and spiritually to accept the gift of sleep. Please don’t think of them as a checklist. Think of them as invitations.
1. Keep a Consistent Wake and Bedtime—Even on Weekends
Your body has an internal clock—the circadian rhythm—that craves stability. Waking and going to bed at the same time every day helps anchor your system. Yes, even on weekends. Irregular sleep schedules can throw everything off, like jet lag without the travel.
2. Get Morning Sunlight Within the First Hour of Waking
Natural light, especially in the morning, is one of the most powerful tools for syncing your circadian rhythm. Aim for 30–60 minutes of outdoor light exposure soon after waking. It’s not just good for your sleep—it boosts mood, too.
3. Move Your Body During the Day
Exercise strengthens your sleep drive. You don’t have to run marathons—just aim for 20–30 minutes of movement most days. Even a walk after dinner helps. But try to avoid vigorous activity too close to bedtime—it can spike your arousal system.
4. Power Down Screens 1 Hour Before Bed
The blue light from screens can delay melatonin production, and stimulating content (news, social media, intense shows) can increase alertness. Trade screen time for a calming wind-down routine: reading, journaling, prayer, or gentle stretching.
5. Use Your Bed Only for Sleep and Intimacy
Your brain is constantly making associations. If you work, scroll, worry, or binge-watch in bed, your brain stops linking it with rest. Help your body relearn: bed = sleep. That means if you’re awake in bed for more than 20 minutes, get up and do something calming in low light until you feel sleepy again.
6. Don’t Nap After 2 PM, and Keep It Short
Napping can be helpful if it’s early in the day and under 30 minutes. But long or late naps can rob you of sleep drive at night. Think of it like snacking before dinner—ruins your appetite for the main course.
7. Watch Out for Caffeine (and Alcohol)
Caffeine can linger in your system for up to 8–12 hours. Try to avoid it after noon, especially if you’re sensitive. And while alcohol might help you fall asleep faster, it disrupts your deeper sleep stages and can lead to middle-of-the-night awakenings.
8. Create a Values-Aligned Wind-Down Routine
Rather than thinking, “I must relax”, consider what kind of evening routine aligns with who you want to be. Prayer, reading Scripture, listening to calming music, reflecting on the day—these are not just soothing but spiritually anchoring. As St. Augustine said, “Our hearts are restless until they rest in You.”
9. Do a “Brain Dump” Before Bed
If your mind races with to-dos, worries, or ideas, keep a journal by your bed. Write everything down before you lie down. This helps your brain feel like it doesn’t have to hold onto things overnight. Do this before the rest of your wind-down.
10. Don’t Lie Awake in Bed
This may be the hardest tip—but it’s key. If you’re lying in bed awake for more than 20–30 minutes, get up. Do something calming in another room (no screens!). When you start to feel sleepy again, return to bed. This breaks the cycle of frustration and reconditions your brain to associate bed with sleep.
11. End the Day with Prayer or Meditation
Rather than fighting to “clear your mind,” invite God into your thoughts. Breath prayers like “Jesus, I trust in You” or repeating a Psalm slowly can ease mental noise. Sleeplessness may become not a curse but a quiet moment of sacred encounter. Even if the night is long—He is with you in it.
A Gentle Nightwatch Benediction
Sleeplessness is such a devastating problem in our modern age. It represents the failure of our control strategies and causes so much distress. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
We can relearn to appreciate sleep as a gift we receive, not a prize we earn. We can learn to make space for sleepless nights (even when you do “everything right” you're still going to have them occasionally). We can learn to make the night sacred.
When the light fades and shadows lengthen into darkness, we can learn to no longer fear it. We can discover peace and rest in the silence. Even in the moments when sleep does not come, grace can. By letting go—of control, of striving—we can learn to invite sleep, or at least peace, in.
So take courage. Even when the night is long, even when rest escapes you, you are not alone. He is with you there—in the silence, in the dark, and in the hope that morning will come. And whether in the hush of night or the weariness of the soul, may you receive what you truly need: rest, renewal, and the gentle reminder that you are held, even here.
